ramblings

i seem to be falling through life trying desperately to catch onto a ledge or anything but failing every time i think i have a handle. i dont know how to at least make the falling seem more controlled. i can't stop thinking about how short life is and how little i've accomplished. i've failed at so much, everything i've ever wanted to work out ends or never begins. i'm hoping school will help me change all that.... i really do. i just want to be important and to make a difference. i dont like being on the sidelines and i hate thinking about having a future where i just do my work and it means nothing to me. i've been doing that for over two years in this so called "professional" wold and i hate every minute of it. i want to love and be loved, i want to go to work and come home and say "you'll never guess what i did today" i want to be creative and make things happen. i can't be stifled i need adventure and spontaneity.... i need to live. in the last 5 months or so i lived adventure and spontaneity like i've never known. to recapture that is so hard because it always worked so well with her. to lose myself in work is all i can do, and i hate my work. i can't seem to concentrate for more than about 10 min at a time. i can't wait for school and especially animation. i already have so many ideas for little short movies, camera angles bouncing around in my head, shots, moods, the way my characters have to move and look. if i can get even a couple down i cant see why i wouldn't get a job at a pixar or a lucasfilm.... but we'll see

of course this is all contingent on if my parents co-sign my loan... they're not sure. which almost killed me. they're still deciding, i almost yelled at them yesterday. do they want me to be stuck where i am for the next 40 years or more? i guess for them thats an option, for me its not. i guess i'll figure it out on my own if they dont want to help.