afterthoughts

sooo i after calming down a bit i feel like i could have been wrong below. it still hurts though if it is what it is.... i just wish that people would have the respect to come out and say "hey you do this it bothers me" instead of letting me read it somewhere... its cheep and disrespectful. maybe i'm just insane and its not about me at all.

i just want to be friends again... if thats not possible let me know. id rather have truth then be led on...

well oh well. thank god i have susan to bounce my thoughts off of she'll tell me whats up no matter how harsh. and i appreciate that.

i am excited though i got an old beater les paul i'm gonna fix up to be a sweet looking guitar. the gold hardware has got to go, but its a really cool red.

i just had a thought, i dont think people always understand why i'm so emotional. well i kinda have to be, otherwise i wouldn't be able to write such personal music. i have to be able to put my emotions on display or i wouldn't be able to ever play or draw anything for anyone else... i'm an emotional guy, people have to understand that i'm not your cliche scarred of his emotions dude. i do what i feel and in turn i feel what i do... if that makes sense. so you have to forgive me, hell i can't stand myself sometimes, and right now is one of those times. i wish i could turn it off and move forward, but i'm not built to do that. i am moving forward at my own pace and in my own way. people can always ask me anything or ask me not to say something about whatnot and i'll be honest and do my best, just dont hate me from a far without trying to talk to me first. i can't respect that.

ok long post but whatever.

tomorrow = san diego!!!

fuckitall

so wow just got home from a great night... a good couple of bands that restores my faith in music.

i just have to say though that i feel resented all of a sudden by someone that was supposed to have loved me... apparently some things that were special to us now are pet peeves... can't say thats not a slap in the face... i guess i just really never knew her... i guess it was all a lie...

whatever fuck it all

if thats what was taken from it then i guess it wasn't worth it and then i do regret it ever happening. i regret putting my self out there when i didn't want to. and i regret taking the biggest chance i've ever taken cuz of trust... and "love" not "need"

i'm tired of being used and tossed aside

i'm tired of being lied to

so tired

its amazing how meeting new people can really make a difference in how you feel. i almost forget about what i'm trying not to think of. thank got for intelligent conversation. i just had a really nice night last night, good dinner and people. it was nice, i need more nights like that. also now have set up a tahoe weekend in september, which should be fun.

i also had the weirdest dream that my friend susan was killed and i investigated like mad to find the killer. like searching through abandoned houses at night with a flashlight.... intense can't describe the way it felt. i woke up more exhausted than when i went to sleep. i dont know if there was some meaning to it all but i never gave up, even though i woke up with no resolution what so ever. ...

i donno i can't interpret my dreams, maybe its just me cuz i'm insane, and slowly losing it more and more.

TREOS concert tonight!! yay!!

acceptance is hard to come by, harder to force

i want my mind to stop! a while ago i couldn't accept that i was happy, now it can't accept that its gone........... i don't want to go back. i just don't.......... it hits me like a wave. every emotion washing over with an air of hopelessness. i hate feeling this way, i've never had such a hard time getting over anything... i had it rough after my marriage fell through cuz of the kid and all, but not because i was madly in love .... like i am now...

new new new

new lyrics new lyrics new lyrics!!

"i will break myself apart
for your heart"

dont have the rest but fits my chorus perfectly

oh the post before this also to a song so personal... all of a sudden i seem to be able to make up vocal melodies like no other... so i should have stuff up on my www.myspace.com/onewinternight sooooooon. (er once marco gives me back my microphone) i know like one person checks this cuz my count keeps going up so if your a myspace user add it. its gonna be good

out in the cold...

standing in the midst of a burned out forest
the flames have dwindled to a flicker
i miss the heat like i never thought i would
i wonder where it went to, all gone

keep your head high, she said
and please just smile, instead

i walked for miles and miles and miles
i looked everywhere for a glimmer
i will hold out hope ...
or freeze

keep your head high, she said
and please just smile, instead

i looked under
i will never leave this place
i will stay, i will stay....

i will freeze

when...

i just want to know when the sean embargo ends and i can talk and hang with my best friend... i'm realizing more and more what kind of friendship has disappeared. i don't think thats fair to either of us, after being so close to just sweep it under the rug.

well only time will tell. i'm letting go, just so i can have a chance again.

someday, hopefully....

The Patron Saint Of Lost Causes: Pt 4

despite my best efforts
i have fallen, destroyed by true love
the one thing i though could save me
you think I'd have seen this coming
being the soldier for lost causes
but i guess that's why my hope isn't gone
because i know its pointless
i know i will lose over and over
but this battle is worth it
i can never replace her
know there is no one that will battle uphill
like i will, time and time again
cuz i am your knight clad in his lost causes

the list

god dammit, i hate it and love it all at the same time when i run across an old email. a list of all the adventures we wanted to go on. and she ended it with i'm so happy i'll have you for the rest of my life....

i want to go back and relive that feeling... it was the best feeling i've ever had

i just want to email her the list and say hey i still want to do these fun things with you together or not...

but i wont...

ramblings

i seem to be falling through life trying desperately to catch onto a ledge or anything but failing every time i think i have a handle. i dont know how to at least make the falling seem more controlled. i can't stop thinking about how short life is and how little i've accomplished. i've failed at so much, everything i've ever wanted to work out ends or never begins. i'm hoping school will help me change all that.... i really do. i just want to be important and to make a difference. i dont like being on the sidelines and i hate thinking about having a future where i just do my work and it means nothing to me. i've been doing that for over two years in this so called "professional" wold and i hate every minute of it. i want to love and be loved, i want to go to work and come home and say "you'll never guess what i did today" i want to be creative and make things happen. i can't be stifled i need adventure and spontaneity.... i need to live. in the last 5 months or so i lived adventure and spontaneity like i've never known. to recapture that is so hard because it always worked so well with her. to lose myself in work is all i can do, and i hate my work. i can't seem to concentrate for more than about 10 min at a time. i can't wait for school and especially animation. i already have so many ideas for little short movies, camera angles bouncing around in my head, shots, moods, the way my characters have to move and look. if i can get even a couple down i cant see why i wouldn't get a job at a pixar or a lucasfilm.... but we'll see

of course this is all contingent on if my parents co-sign my loan... they're not sure. which almost killed me. they're still deciding, i almost yelled at them yesterday. do they want me to be stuck where i am for the next 40 years or more? i guess for them thats an option, for me its not. i guess i'll figure it out on my own if they dont want to help.

falling apart at the seems

well this weekend sucked. friday night was fun at least thanks to beer and mario cart. other than that a failure is how its best described. sat we did have nice brownies (thanks sarah) then we waited and waited and never really did anything. its tough to explain i'll go into detail at another time. suffice to say i went to bed around 4 not drunk.

distracting myself isn't working as well as it should my mind is always drifting back. everything is a reminder, i want to hate these wonderful memories, cuz i am bitter and alone. but i can't and it would be immature, so instead i try to push them out and not think of them. the pain of remembering a day in SF hurts more than i can describe. makes me never want to go back there, all i would be able to think about is the best time i've ever had in the city. thats just one example, the list goes on. i dont know what to do. i'm hoping time will let me be ok with me. right now i miss so much the fun and energy. my life was better off for a brief bit.

i feel like everything is falling apart on me... crumbling at my feet. i'm thinking about going to san diego labor day weekend just to get away and be with some fun people. i dont know if that will help at all but we'll see.

i'm so nervous about going back to school. i just realized that i have no idea where my classes are or what the fuck i'm doing. i'm so overwhelmed by it i'm thinking maybe i should have taken two instead of 3 classes. its too late at this point we'll see what happens. although i am super excited to take computer animation.

maybe my life has been deconstructing its self to give me time for school. although i can't see where the love of an amazing woman would be anything but motivation...

but thats just me. i view love differently than some i guess, never as a burden, always welcome no matter what direction your life is. because if love is right you can make anything work... no matter what. i also know that love isn't easy, and relationships are harder. but they're worth it, true love is always worth it.

addendum

wow two posts

well this is kind of an addendum

i just feel like i can't do anything right. no matter how hard i try i haven't succeeded in anything in my life. my goal was to make that the most healthy and amazing relationship i have ever had. and it was but then it ended.

i did the same with music and art, i'm really giving art a big try again so we'll see.

i just can't keep losing.... its really getting to me

this is the toughest loss yet....

grasping .........

my brain is trying to grasp at something anything to rationalize this whole loss better and there really isn't anything. because i cant fully understand the point of view. i respect it but i dont agree with it. it just seems like i was a there at the right time and my use has been fulfilled. i really feel like i'm drowning in my mind trying to grasp at anything to make me feel better. i thought we had agreed to work through anything because we loved each other... there are so many things that we said that seem now to be untrue like i was lied to.

i can't listen to half my CD collection cuz all it does is remind me of her. i had never identified so many songs with a person. some were so personal that i would listen to them and all i could think about was how in love i was with her...

i need a new anything to keep my mind occupied. this is insane. my brain doesn't stop ever and its killing me. i want to go back and time and relive our amazing moments. they were so perfect... i've never known that kind of happiness.

the little things i'll miss

god daammiit!! this sucks

i was just looking in my old emials and cleaning them out and i come across this:

"hey handsome guess what"

"what is it pam?"

"alright smart ass. here it is...... i love you"


its the little things that kill me.... i guess what hurts most is that it wasn't even that we had a bad relationship, its just timing and circumstance

i fucking hate it, every second i think about it i hate it more.

i understand and dont all at the same time

there is a war going on in my head and heart.

everything is equal and i just want the damage to be done and move on

but i can't, i'm not built that way

i have been evicted, from a soul constricted

well wow would you believe that my heart could break more.... well it just did with a simple email. i'm so fucking done, i've got to be the only guy ever to fall for a girl that doesn't want a committed guy. fuck this god dammit i dont know what i did to deserve more heartache than i can handle i feel so old sometimes not like the 24 year old i am. i dont know if god or whatever is trying to make me so jaded to the idea of love that i'll never truly be able to commit or what. whatever it is he/she/it is doing a damn good job.

i want to find a cave and crawl inside, i hurt like i've never before, EVER. i swear if i didn't have the kid i'd just move really far away and start over. i can't even take my mind off of her for a second. everything reminds me of her. EVERYTHING. it wasn't even a long relationship, but i feel like we had always been and always would be.

i dont know how you can go from "i'm never giving you up sean" to "i dont want to be with you" whats worse is that i wasn't sure if i was ready for the commitment but i took the plunge and found myself more in love than i had ever imagined. its like the moment i knew she became unsure. was i some terrible person in a previous life, what did i do to deserve this kind of hurt. i'm trying to look for the lesson but i'm not seeing it. you hear me god! why do you give me the most amazing person i've ever met and then take her away? do you even exist? i think that kind of logic makes more sense in a godless world. i dont know what to do... i dont want to live my life without her. she completed me like i've never felt. it was epic...

if this were Shakespeare i'd have flung myself from a tower by now

moving forward

I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. – Henry David Thoreau, 1817-1862, American Essayist, Poet, Naturalist

i love this quote... its a tough process to follow. i'm doing the best i can at this point. we'll see where my life takes me. i truly miss her... i can't wait for school so i can bury myself in work and think nothing of the love that has left. i only write this here because i know no one reads this.... oh well... life goes on. i'll be happy again someday, and hopefully it'll measure up the the happiness i experienced for 5 months... i've never wanted anything back so bad so deeply so terribly.

i hope god or whatever has a plan, not even sure i believe in fate, but it sure doesn't feel like i'm in control of anything so i guess something else is going on.... she made me believe there was more going on in the universe because of how amazing and coincidental our meeting and falling in love was... she was the only person i had ever met that i could picture myself growing old with... i know i'm young, but the hopeless romantic in me knew this was special and this was my story... maybe its not done yet

i can only hope

grieving ....

grieving....
this has been a though couple of weeks for me....
but first i'd like to say something about Mike Wieringo. He was a very talented artist that worked on many comics throughout the years, such as flash, Fantastic Four, Spider man and so on. He had a creator owned property called Telos which i loved. He has been one of my biggest influences ever since i saw his art on spider man years ago. i found his myspace a while back which had a link to his blog. i checked it every weekday and grew to not only like his art but the person he was. i thought many times i should email him and tell him how much he's influenced me and still does to this day.... Mike passed away yesterday at the age of 44 from a massive heart attack. he was a healthy man, a vegetarian no less. He had just been so excited about possibly starting a new Telos story...

Mike you will be missed, and know that you truly made the art of comics a wonderful thing. You inspired many of my drawing on many occasions. i wish i had known you better. thank you....

my other gripes with life seem a bit trivial now... my car is dead... but its not all bad. i'm getting a new one. looks like a toyota matrix should be fun.

its thought for me to talk about the next... just know that i'm going to be a bit sad for a bit... i can't talk to the most special person in my life... for a while... and she wont be in it the same way... hopefully someday we'll find each other again... what we had was truly amazing... i wish that the timing had been better...

i will always be there for you

the continuous losing battle

i have lived a thousand lives to meet you
my grasp at eternity means nothing when i look into your eyes
i am yours...i desire one thing; to be the man that supports you and loves you...
i have never known this unconditional feeling.
i would walk through the gates of hell for your smile
infectious as it is... for i love you dearly... for i am yours
i know i must make my case and hope the best...
i hope you see my reason...
our time together has been epic, i would not trade it for anything
for that reason i will not give up
i will take on another lost cause after another...
i hope i win this time...
i won your heart
now i must win your mind