meh

i'm feeling pretty lost right now... and i hope to god the photoshop on my dads comp is still there cuz if its not oh boy can you say sean is screwed! i have got to do my homework for tomorrow. oy i'm such a procrastinator. its bad

i dont have much to say i dont really feel a lot of anything today... i really miss her... i was watching how i met your mother last night and i think its funny how my relationship kinda paralleled the main character teds relationship with robin... even kinda how it ended...

oy

this week in sean...

sooooooooo yeah lately everything has been a crazy shit storm for lack of a better term. school so far is awesome. i'm loving photoshop and i really feel this is where my career lies. as much as i love illustration i'm better at programs and being dorky with a group of people rather than just one. i still would love to pencil a comic someday, especially one of my brothers excellent story ideas. but as of right now i barely have time to sleep. homework + work + child = no sean time.

well i finally have resolution for the worst break up ever... well it was a "good" break up if there is such a thing just felt like i was losing the one person i had ever truly felt was right for me... she's decided to see her ex the one she left for me stating she never truly got over him... makes me feel like a million bucks. sadly i still want to be friends with her... having a divorce and getting your heart broken by the one i thought was the "one" in the same year has been a little overwhelming... although the divorce did start last year about this time yadda yadda... not getting into it. anyway i'm done with anything serious for a while. i cant see myself giving so much again to be shattered. hopefully jamie will be happy in life, i don't want her to make the same mistakes again. and i hope i can find her as a friend again, she was truly my best friend for 5 months.

moving on, i've been writing more music lately. not that i have time to perfect it but its been nice. i'm dying to pick up the tellos colossal edition by my all time fave artist mike wieringo but my funds have been limited. oh but i shall mark my words!! i still get choked up at my desk when i read about him... i still want to check his blog and save his sketches ...

anyway this is a long post. i don't even know who reads this... sometimes it jumps up... but i get no love on the comments...

pfft!! hehe

lopsided agreement shattered by the tide

I wish upon a heart
Feeling slightly like falling apart
I drag us through the mud again
I’ll drag us through the mud again
Cuz ever time I think I might just die
I see your face and and think that this could be
One last chance, to hold out hope

My heart is missing a chamber
Pumping blood a three quarters steam
I gave a world away
And watched it slip from your fingers…

I’m hardly waiting around but
That chunk of my heart still remains
Missing in action, yes missing the action
Reaction; thoroughly convoluted dispassion
I fell way too far, these nights are too hard
When you missing your best,
You don’t know where to go from here

My heart is missing a chamber
Pumping blood a three quarters steam
I gave a world away
And watched it slip from your fingers…

Blissfully ignorant, as tempting as it seems
I try not to think, but see you in my dreams

what a conversation

hmmm i find it so much harder to write anything when i'm ok with everything... san diego was so fun... especially the sean steve time monday, i really could have used more of that. surfing is so fun/painful/hard i want to do it again.

last night a certain someone woke me about 2 in the morning and we talked for a good hour and a half... clearing up some issues. i can't stand the fact that she's the most amazing girl i've ever met even when my brain wants to resent her all i can do is like her more. i'm really trying to see her as just a friend but thats a hard step back... i wish we could be better friends but its probably for the best right now. it was great to hear her voice say she misses me though... i've never cared for anyone like i care for her. if i have to be her friend i'm gonna do it, as hard as it is.

god she's amazing... stupid stars... i wish they would have stayed aligned for us.

well hopefully in the future i can find someone that can hold a candle to her, because right now the bar she set is so high i can't even look at anyone the same.

afterthoughts

sooo i after calming down a bit i feel like i could have been wrong below. it still hurts though if it is what it is.... i just wish that people would have the respect to come out and say "hey you do this it bothers me" instead of letting me read it somewhere... its cheep and disrespectful. maybe i'm just insane and its not about me at all.

i just want to be friends again... if thats not possible let me know. id rather have truth then be led on...

well oh well. thank god i have susan to bounce my thoughts off of she'll tell me whats up no matter how harsh. and i appreciate that.

i am excited though i got an old beater les paul i'm gonna fix up to be a sweet looking guitar. the gold hardware has got to go, but its a really cool red.

i just had a thought, i dont think people always understand why i'm so emotional. well i kinda have to be, otherwise i wouldn't be able to write such personal music. i have to be able to put my emotions on display or i wouldn't be able to ever play or draw anything for anyone else... i'm an emotional guy, people have to understand that i'm not your cliche scarred of his emotions dude. i do what i feel and in turn i feel what i do... if that makes sense. so you have to forgive me, hell i can't stand myself sometimes, and right now is one of those times. i wish i could turn it off and move forward, but i'm not built to do that. i am moving forward at my own pace and in my own way. people can always ask me anything or ask me not to say something about whatnot and i'll be honest and do my best, just dont hate me from a far without trying to talk to me first. i can't respect that.

ok long post but whatever.

tomorrow = san diego!!!

fuckitall

so wow just got home from a great night... a good couple of bands that restores my faith in music.

i just have to say though that i feel resented all of a sudden by someone that was supposed to have loved me... apparently some things that were special to us now are pet peeves... can't say thats not a slap in the face... i guess i just really never knew her... i guess it was all a lie...

whatever fuck it all

if thats what was taken from it then i guess it wasn't worth it and then i do regret it ever happening. i regret putting my self out there when i didn't want to. and i regret taking the biggest chance i've ever taken cuz of trust... and "love" not "need"

i'm tired of being used and tossed aside

i'm tired of being lied to

so tired

its amazing how meeting new people can really make a difference in how you feel. i almost forget about what i'm trying not to think of. thank got for intelligent conversation. i just had a really nice night last night, good dinner and people. it was nice, i need more nights like that. also now have set up a tahoe weekend in september, which should be fun.

i also had the weirdest dream that my friend susan was killed and i investigated like mad to find the killer. like searching through abandoned houses at night with a flashlight.... intense can't describe the way it felt. i woke up more exhausted than when i went to sleep. i dont know if there was some meaning to it all but i never gave up, even though i woke up with no resolution what so ever. ...

i donno i can't interpret my dreams, maybe its just me cuz i'm insane, and slowly losing it more and more.

TREOS concert tonight!! yay!!