afterthoughts

sooo i after calming down a bit i feel like i could have been wrong below. it still hurts though if it is what it is.... i just wish that people would have the respect to come out and say "hey you do this it bothers me" instead of letting me read it somewhere... its cheep and disrespectful. maybe i'm just insane and its not about me at all.

i just want to be friends again... if thats not possible let me know. id rather have truth then be led on...

well oh well. thank god i have susan to bounce my thoughts off of she'll tell me whats up no matter how harsh. and i appreciate that.

i am excited though i got an old beater les paul i'm gonna fix up to be a sweet looking guitar. the gold hardware has got to go, but its a really cool red.

i just had a thought, i dont think people always understand why i'm so emotional. well i kinda have to be, otherwise i wouldn't be able to write such personal music. i have to be able to put my emotions on display or i wouldn't be able to ever play or draw anything for anyone else... i'm an emotional guy, people have to understand that i'm not your cliche scarred of his emotions dude. i do what i feel and in turn i feel what i do... if that makes sense. so you have to forgive me, hell i can't stand myself sometimes, and right now is one of those times. i wish i could turn it off and move forward, but i'm not built to do that. i am moving forward at my own pace and in my own way. people can always ask me anything or ask me not to say something about whatnot and i'll be honest and do my best, just dont hate me from a far without trying to talk to me first. i can't respect that.

ok long post but whatever.

tomorrow = san diego!!!

fuckitall

so wow just got home from a great night... a good couple of bands that restores my faith in music.

i just have to say though that i feel resented all of a sudden by someone that was supposed to have loved me... apparently some things that were special to us now are pet peeves... can't say thats not a slap in the face... i guess i just really never knew her... i guess it was all a lie...

whatever fuck it all

if thats what was taken from it then i guess it wasn't worth it and then i do regret it ever happening. i regret putting my self out there when i didn't want to. and i regret taking the biggest chance i've ever taken cuz of trust... and "love" not "need"

i'm tired of being used and tossed aside

i'm tired of being lied to

so tired

its amazing how meeting new people can really make a difference in how you feel. i almost forget about what i'm trying not to think of. thank got for intelligent conversation. i just had a really nice night last night, good dinner and people. it was nice, i need more nights like that. also now have set up a tahoe weekend in september, which should be fun.

i also had the weirdest dream that my friend susan was killed and i investigated like mad to find the killer. like searching through abandoned houses at night with a flashlight.... intense can't describe the way it felt. i woke up more exhausted than when i went to sleep. i dont know if there was some meaning to it all but i never gave up, even though i woke up with no resolution what so ever. ...

i donno i can't interpret my dreams, maybe its just me cuz i'm insane, and slowly losing it more and more.

TREOS concert tonight!! yay!!

acceptance is hard to come by, harder to force

i want my mind to stop! a while ago i couldn't accept that i was happy, now it can't accept that its gone........... i don't want to go back. i just don't.......... it hits me like a wave. every emotion washing over with an air of hopelessness. i hate feeling this way, i've never had such a hard time getting over anything... i had it rough after my marriage fell through cuz of the kid and all, but not because i was madly in love .... like i am now...

new new new

new lyrics new lyrics new lyrics!!

"i will break myself apart
for your heart"

dont have the rest but fits my chorus perfectly

oh the post before this also to a song so personal... all of a sudden i seem to be able to make up vocal melodies like no other... so i should have stuff up on my www.myspace.com/onewinternight sooooooon. (er once marco gives me back my microphone) i know like one person checks this cuz my count keeps going up so if your a myspace user add it. its gonna be good

out in the cold...

standing in the midst of a burned out forest
the flames have dwindled to a flicker
i miss the heat like i never thought i would
i wonder where it went to, all gone

keep your head high, she said
and please just smile, instead

i walked for miles and miles and miles
i looked everywhere for a glimmer
i will hold out hope ...
or freeze

keep your head high, she said
and please just smile, instead

i looked under
i will never leave this place
i will stay, i will stay....

i will freeze

when...

i just want to know when the sean embargo ends and i can talk and hang with my best friend... i'm realizing more and more what kind of friendship has disappeared. i don't think thats fair to either of us, after being so close to just sweep it under the rug.

well only time will tell. i'm letting go, just so i can have a chance again.

someday, hopefully....