drowning in a sea of my own mind

if my mind is an ocean
i am drowning in it
i fight and pretend
like its not happening
so no one can see
the turmoil i'm in

i'm drowning
and i cant find my breath
i'm drowning
and i cant catch the air

i swim everyday
progress is made
only to find progress doesn't exist
i will forever be in this sea
taking breaths of water
to wash down my thoughts

i pray for moments like this
this artistic clarity
i always for get the pain
they inflict on me

drowning in ones head
what a way to go
suffering so that no one can see
thats the way that i know

i really dont think i will ever reach the surface

no strings (not finished)

and if its over
let it just be
i'll come back when i'm sober

i'll be with me, find me when you grow
i'll be living with my demons
having drinks with no strings

my hands are bloody
soaked to the bone
you hold them anyway
i feel like a dear in headlights
looking at you, thinking of you

make it work, dont disintegrate now
fake for your friends that you're not as far
falling, faster....
everytime you're felt

i'm so confused, even this song
makes no sense

meh

i'm feeling pretty lost right now... and i hope to god the photoshop on my dads comp is still there cuz if its not oh boy can you say sean is screwed! i have got to do my homework for tomorrow. oy i'm such a procrastinator. its bad

i dont have much to say i dont really feel a lot of anything today... i really miss her... i was watching how i met your mother last night and i think its funny how my relationship kinda paralleled the main character teds relationship with robin... even kinda how it ended...

oy

this week in sean...

sooooooooo yeah lately everything has been a crazy shit storm for lack of a better term. school so far is awesome. i'm loving photoshop and i really feel this is where my career lies. as much as i love illustration i'm better at programs and being dorky with a group of people rather than just one. i still would love to pencil a comic someday, especially one of my brothers excellent story ideas. but as of right now i barely have time to sleep. homework + work + child = no sean time.

well i finally have resolution for the worst break up ever... well it was a "good" break up if there is such a thing just felt like i was losing the one person i had ever truly felt was right for me... she's decided to see her ex the one she left for me stating she never truly got over him... makes me feel like a million bucks. sadly i still want to be friends with her... having a divorce and getting your heart broken by the one i thought was the "one" in the same year has been a little overwhelming... although the divorce did start last year about this time yadda yadda... not getting into it. anyway i'm done with anything serious for a while. i cant see myself giving so much again to be shattered. hopefully jamie will be happy in life, i don't want her to make the same mistakes again. and i hope i can find her as a friend again, she was truly my best friend for 5 months.

moving on, i've been writing more music lately. not that i have time to perfect it but its been nice. i'm dying to pick up the tellos colossal edition by my all time fave artist mike wieringo but my funds have been limited. oh but i shall mark my words!! i still get choked up at my desk when i read about him... i still want to check his blog and save his sketches ...

anyway this is a long post. i don't even know who reads this... sometimes it jumps up... but i get no love on the comments...

pfft!! hehe

lopsided agreement shattered by the tide

I wish upon a heart
Feeling slightly like falling apart
I drag us through the mud again
I’ll drag us through the mud again
Cuz ever time I think I might just die
I see your face and and think that this could be
One last chance, to hold out hope

My heart is missing a chamber
Pumping blood a three quarters steam
I gave a world away
And watched it slip from your fingers…

I’m hardly waiting around but
That chunk of my heart still remains
Missing in action, yes missing the action
Reaction; thoroughly convoluted dispassion
I fell way too far, these nights are too hard
When you missing your best,
You don’t know where to go from here

My heart is missing a chamber
Pumping blood a three quarters steam
I gave a world away
And watched it slip from your fingers…

Blissfully ignorant, as tempting as it seems
I try not to think, but see you in my dreams

what a conversation

hmmm i find it so much harder to write anything when i'm ok with everything... san diego was so fun... especially the sean steve time monday, i really could have used more of that. surfing is so fun/painful/hard i want to do it again.

last night a certain someone woke me about 2 in the morning and we talked for a good hour and a half... clearing up some issues. i can't stand the fact that she's the most amazing girl i've ever met even when my brain wants to resent her all i can do is like her more. i'm really trying to see her as just a friend but thats a hard step back... i wish we could be better friends but its probably for the best right now. it was great to hear her voice say she misses me though... i've never cared for anyone like i care for her. if i have to be her friend i'm gonna do it, as hard as it is.

god she's amazing... stupid stars... i wish they would have stayed aligned for us.

well hopefully in the future i can find someone that can hold a candle to her, because right now the bar she set is so high i can't even look at anyone the same.

afterthoughts

sooo i after calming down a bit i feel like i could have been wrong below. it still hurts though if it is what it is.... i just wish that people would have the respect to come out and say "hey you do this it bothers me" instead of letting me read it somewhere... its cheep and disrespectful. maybe i'm just insane and its not about me at all.

i just want to be friends again... if thats not possible let me know. id rather have truth then be led on...

well oh well. thank god i have susan to bounce my thoughts off of she'll tell me whats up no matter how harsh. and i appreciate that.

i am excited though i got an old beater les paul i'm gonna fix up to be a sweet looking guitar. the gold hardware has got to go, but its a really cool red.

i just had a thought, i dont think people always understand why i'm so emotional. well i kinda have to be, otherwise i wouldn't be able to write such personal music. i have to be able to put my emotions on display or i wouldn't be able to ever play or draw anything for anyone else... i'm an emotional guy, people have to understand that i'm not your cliche scarred of his emotions dude. i do what i feel and in turn i feel what i do... if that makes sense. so you have to forgive me, hell i can't stand myself sometimes, and right now is one of those times. i wish i could turn it off and move forward, but i'm not built to do that. i am moving forward at my own pace and in my own way. people can always ask me anything or ask me not to say something about whatnot and i'll be honest and do my best, just dont hate me from a far without trying to talk to me first. i can't respect that.

ok long post but whatever.

tomorrow = san diego!!!

fuckitall

so wow just got home from a great night... a good couple of bands that restores my faith in music.

i just have to say though that i feel resented all of a sudden by someone that was supposed to have loved me... apparently some things that were special to us now are pet peeves... can't say thats not a slap in the face... i guess i just really never knew her... i guess it was all a lie...

whatever fuck it all

if thats what was taken from it then i guess it wasn't worth it and then i do regret it ever happening. i regret putting my self out there when i didn't want to. and i regret taking the biggest chance i've ever taken cuz of trust... and "love" not "need"

i'm tired of being used and tossed aside

i'm tired of being lied to

so tired

its amazing how meeting new people can really make a difference in how you feel. i almost forget about what i'm trying not to think of. thank got for intelligent conversation. i just had a really nice night last night, good dinner and people. it was nice, i need more nights like that. also now have set up a tahoe weekend in september, which should be fun.

i also had the weirdest dream that my friend susan was killed and i investigated like mad to find the killer. like searching through abandoned houses at night with a flashlight.... intense can't describe the way it felt. i woke up more exhausted than when i went to sleep. i dont know if there was some meaning to it all but i never gave up, even though i woke up with no resolution what so ever. ...

i donno i can't interpret my dreams, maybe its just me cuz i'm insane, and slowly losing it more and more.

TREOS concert tonight!! yay!!

acceptance is hard to come by, harder to force

i want my mind to stop! a while ago i couldn't accept that i was happy, now it can't accept that its gone........... i don't want to go back. i just don't.......... it hits me like a wave. every emotion washing over with an air of hopelessness. i hate feeling this way, i've never had such a hard time getting over anything... i had it rough after my marriage fell through cuz of the kid and all, but not because i was madly in love .... like i am now...

new new new

new lyrics new lyrics new lyrics!!

"i will break myself apart
for your heart"

dont have the rest but fits my chorus perfectly

oh the post before this also to a song so personal... all of a sudden i seem to be able to make up vocal melodies like no other... so i should have stuff up on my www.myspace.com/onewinternight sooooooon. (er once marco gives me back my microphone) i know like one person checks this cuz my count keeps going up so if your a myspace user add it. its gonna be good

out in the cold...

standing in the midst of a burned out forest
the flames have dwindled to a flicker
i miss the heat like i never thought i would
i wonder where it went to, all gone

keep your head high, she said
and please just smile, instead

i walked for miles and miles and miles
i looked everywhere for a glimmer
i will hold out hope ...
or freeze

keep your head high, she said
and please just smile, instead

i looked under
i will never leave this place
i will stay, i will stay....

i will freeze

when...

i just want to know when the sean embargo ends and i can talk and hang with my best friend... i'm realizing more and more what kind of friendship has disappeared. i don't think thats fair to either of us, after being so close to just sweep it under the rug.

well only time will tell. i'm letting go, just so i can have a chance again.

someday, hopefully....

The Patron Saint Of Lost Causes: Pt 4

despite my best efforts
i have fallen, destroyed by true love
the one thing i though could save me
you think I'd have seen this coming
being the soldier for lost causes
but i guess that's why my hope isn't gone
because i know its pointless
i know i will lose over and over
but this battle is worth it
i can never replace her
know there is no one that will battle uphill
like i will, time and time again
cuz i am your knight clad in his lost causes

the list

god dammit, i hate it and love it all at the same time when i run across an old email. a list of all the adventures we wanted to go on. and she ended it with i'm so happy i'll have you for the rest of my life....

i want to go back and relive that feeling... it was the best feeling i've ever had

i just want to email her the list and say hey i still want to do these fun things with you together or not...

but i wont...

ramblings

i seem to be falling through life trying desperately to catch onto a ledge or anything but failing every time i think i have a handle. i dont know how to at least make the falling seem more controlled. i can't stop thinking about how short life is and how little i've accomplished. i've failed at so much, everything i've ever wanted to work out ends or never begins. i'm hoping school will help me change all that.... i really do. i just want to be important and to make a difference. i dont like being on the sidelines and i hate thinking about having a future where i just do my work and it means nothing to me. i've been doing that for over two years in this so called "professional" wold and i hate every minute of it. i want to love and be loved, i want to go to work and come home and say "you'll never guess what i did today" i want to be creative and make things happen. i can't be stifled i need adventure and spontaneity.... i need to live. in the last 5 months or so i lived adventure and spontaneity like i've never known. to recapture that is so hard because it always worked so well with her. to lose myself in work is all i can do, and i hate my work. i can't seem to concentrate for more than about 10 min at a time. i can't wait for school and especially animation. i already have so many ideas for little short movies, camera angles bouncing around in my head, shots, moods, the way my characters have to move and look. if i can get even a couple down i cant see why i wouldn't get a job at a pixar or a lucasfilm.... but we'll see

of course this is all contingent on if my parents co-sign my loan... they're not sure. which almost killed me. they're still deciding, i almost yelled at them yesterday. do they want me to be stuck where i am for the next 40 years or more? i guess for them thats an option, for me its not. i guess i'll figure it out on my own if they dont want to help.

falling apart at the seems

well this weekend sucked. friday night was fun at least thanks to beer and mario cart. other than that a failure is how its best described. sat we did have nice brownies (thanks sarah) then we waited and waited and never really did anything. its tough to explain i'll go into detail at another time. suffice to say i went to bed around 4 not drunk.

distracting myself isn't working as well as it should my mind is always drifting back. everything is a reminder, i want to hate these wonderful memories, cuz i am bitter and alone. but i can't and it would be immature, so instead i try to push them out and not think of them. the pain of remembering a day in SF hurts more than i can describe. makes me never want to go back there, all i would be able to think about is the best time i've ever had in the city. thats just one example, the list goes on. i dont know what to do. i'm hoping time will let me be ok with me. right now i miss so much the fun and energy. my life was better off for a brief bit.

i feel like everything is falling apart on me... crumbling at my feet. i'm thinking about going to san diego labor day weekend just to get away and be with some fun people. i dont know if that will help at all but we'll see.

i'm so nervous about going back to school. i just realized that i have no idea where my classes are or what the fuck i'm doing. i'm so overwhelmed by it i'm thinking maybe i should have taken two instead of 3 classes. its too late at this point we'll see what happens. although i am super excited to take computer animation.

maybe my life has been deconstructing its self to give me time for school. although i can't see where the love of an amazing woman would be anything but motivation...

but thats just me. i view love differently than some i guess, never as a burden, always welcome no matter what direction your life is. because if love is right you can make anything work... no matter what. i also know that love isn't easy, and relationships are harder. but they're worth it, true love is always worth it.

addendum

wow two posts

well this is kind of an addendum

i just feel like i can't do anything right. no matter how hard i try i haven't succeeded in anything in my life. my goal was to make that the most healthy and amazing relationship i have ever had. and it was but then it ended.

i did the same with music and art, i'm really giving art a big try again so we'll see.

i just can't keep losing.... its really getting to me

this is the toughest loss yet....

grasping .........

my brain is trying to grasp at something anything to rationalize this whole loss better and there really isn't anything. because i cant fully understand the point of view. i respect it but i dont agree with it. it just seems like i was a there at the right time and my use has been fulfilled. i really feel like i'm drowning in my mind trying to grasp at anything to make me feel better. i thought we had agreed to work through anything because we loved each other... there are so many things that we said that seem now to be untrue like i was lied to.

i can't listen to half my CD collection cuz all it does is remind me of her. i had never identified so many songs with a person. some were so personal that i would listen to them and all i could think about was how in love i was with her...

i need a new anything to keep my mind occupied. this is insane. my brain doesn't stop ever and its killing me. i want to go back and time and relive our amazing moments. they were so perfect... i've never known that kind of happiness.

the little things i'll miss

god daammiit!! this sucks

i was just looking in my old emials and cleaning them out and i come across this:

"hey handsome guess what"

"what is it pam?"

"alright smart ass. here it is...... i love you"


its the little things that kill me.... i guess what hurts most is that it wasn't even that we had a bad relationship, its just timing and circumstance

i fucking hate it, every second i think about it i hate it more.

i understand and dont all at the same time

there is a war going on in my head and heart.

everything is equal and i just want the damage to be done and move on

but i can't, i'm not built that way